My Gasssy Story

You know when you are in a new relationship and you want the guy to think that you wake up looking decent? And, if he is staying for several days in a row, that you are a sexy gal and as such, you certainly don’t fart (and girls don’t poop either, right?)!

At first I tried leaving a tiny bit of make-up on my eyes when going to bed, however I would wake up in the morning looking slightly raccoon-esque and frankly, looked terrible. So I completely gave up on that aspect and embraced the fact that I am simply someone that is not going to wake up looking pretty. So, let’s focus on the other......

I did not think I was a gassy person, but perhaps I just never noticed while sleeping alone. One evening in the middle of the night, I actually woke myself up with a toot! I immediately became wide awake and with sheer panic, opened my eyes to see if he was awake. Oh please God, be asleep! He was! I listened to his slow, even breathing and deducted that he wasn’t faking on my account. Phew!

On another more recent visit, we were out for a couple of drinks on his last night in town. I tell you this as my stomach never appreciates when I mix beer and wine in one sitting. Low and behold, I wake myself up the next morning with an unhappy belly and the stinkiest fart I have ever, ever had! It smelled so badly that I knew I was going to be caught this time! I opened my eyes slowly to look at him and ohhhhh......his eyes were open!!!! Ugggghhhh!

Internally I was dying (frankly, that’s what it smelled like too!) and he had a bit of a smirk but didn’t say anything. We had to get up super early so I could drive him to the airport so he simply got up and went to shower. What to do, what to do? Do I say anything? Do I make a joke? Do I blame him because no sexy woman would release toxic fumes like that!

In my humiliated state, I said nothing. We are usually kind of quiet when we know the end of our visit together is ending but I did not want THAT to be the last thing he remembered from his trip! Still, I said nothing......

About three days later, I get a text message from him, “hahahaha- omg I am still laughing. You were soooo stinky on Friday morning! And I was so polite I didn’t even make fun of you!” Well, there it was! He was having a good laugh several days later, which of course meant that it really was the last thing he remembered from our visit! Uggghhh! No, no, no!!!!! I wrote back that that wasn’t nice, my belly was upset that morning! I also decided to make light of the situation and have a laugh at myself too. “Hahaha- yes, I did not want your last memory of our visit to be of me being stinky!”

Admittedly, I have become somewhat neurotic about this now. However, girls fart too! If it happens again (please no!), I will handle it differently and not ignore the elephant in the room. I will make light of it, laugh, and/or blame my non-existant dog.

Commando Barbie

When You Think You Don’t Care

I hate to admit it but I don’t care for the process of meeting someone new. To clarify I want to meet someone and don’t want to end up alone in my newly purchased yet to be built condo but the process of going through so many frogs to find the prince is tiresome. I realize that the journey is part of the process and I do believe there is someone for everyone it’s just a matter of crossing paths and meeting each other but sometimes even I who try to be positive about love think it stinks.

I often wonder if people just give up looking for their true love because they get tired of going through the search. I would like to think after all this time that I won’t end up being one of them but I can understand why they do.

I sometimes find myself wondering if true love really exists and if it doesn’t why does the media and movies tell you it does? Why am I being left out of the “couple group” and why am I not able to find this “love” that seems to come to the oddest of pairs but not to me? When I think like this I know love exists. You may find this strange but why would I be going through the array of emotions and thoughts if I didn’t think it exists. The mere fact that I question it makes it that much more real for me.

So single gals when you have those days or times when you think “fukc it” why bother remember you’re just lying to yourself. You bother because you know it’s out there and you just have to wait until your time comes even if it does stink.

Queen B

Conquest or Romantic Interest?

How do you know if someone wants to go on a date to get to know you or are they just trying to get into your very expensive fabulous fitting jeans? I recently went on date with someone that I had met while out watching the World Cup. We chatted for a bit at the bar and set up a date for Tuesday. It started off right, he actually came and picked me up, and then we went to my local pub for a pint. I fidget when I am nervous, I am aware of this and try to control it but I really do not think I will ever be comfortable on a first date, it is nerve racking. I was fidgeting when my date grabbed my hands and said “you’re shy; please don’t feel nervous around me” just the thing a girl that fidgets’ would love to hear. He said all the right things and even got the bill. However by the end of the date I began to think that maybe he was hoping to just have a one night stand. Now that it is 3 days later and I have not heard from him I am now positive this is the case. After a couple of days of reflection I concluded that there were tell tale signs that I was just a potential conquest.

1) He kept referring to my slow consumption of my drink, odd because you’d think one would be more concerned about someone who was downing drinks like water.

2) He made the following comment “Just my luck I get you on a detox period, and you don’t want to drink” (it was suppose to be a joke but now it all makes sense now)

3) After drink #2 I was done with the booze because I had to study for a test (also ladies I really do think it is not wise to get drunk on a first date). He kept persisting that we stay for more in which I informed him that he has to drive so it would not be wise for him to drink anymore either.

4) Lastly and the most obvious sign was when he dropped me off he gave me a kiss but while in the middle of the kiss he grab my boob (sorry dad if you read this but remember I’m not 16 anymore). I pulled back and said “What are we in high school?” He then asked if he could come up to help me study and I declined the offer and said thanks for the night out.

I had wanted to take a positive spin on the incident, thinking that maybe I should just think it was a good sign it means he is attracted to me. Yes he was attracted to me there was no doubt but only as a sexual conquest. I’m not sure if I am offended that someone thinks I may be a good prospect for such a conquest or is it a compliment that I am conquest material? Either way it does not really matter, I’m actually okay with the fact the he has not called. I still think over all it was a nice enough date and I’m positive that the guy who wants to know more about me than my breast size is just around the corner.

Word to Queen B, I know 23 was too young for you and I get the dilemma but seriously my date was 36 and acted like a 16 year old at the end of the night. So age is not a good gage as to a man’s maturity level, whether they are older, younger or the same age you just never know.

Here is something else to think about. I was watching a new show on HBO called Gravity and someone told this women who was freaking out about not finding a man that meets every criteria on her list, that "If someone can make you feel calm and yet make your heart skip a beat at the same time, isn’t that all you need not some stupid list?” So maybe if I am overly fidgety that person is not right for me, there is something on a deeper level that I am not seeing but I am sensing. Just some food for thought.

Have you ever felt like you were just a sexual conquest, send us your stories because I know there are others that have felt this way. Don’t worry ladies it’s not bad to be someone’s sexual conquest try to take it as a compliment, and remember that yes while you are a sexy being you are also worthy of worship.

Cheers!

Am I Turning into Mrs. Robinson?

It is very flattering that younger men like me, that must mean that I still am somewhat attractive and don’t look my age or if I do look my age I look good for my age, right? Well this past weekend I was out with a friend of mine as we were trying out a new restaurant. The thing is this restaurant turns into lounge/nightclub and it’s a bit on the pricier side so you would expect that the clientele would be older just because older people tend to have more money to spend on drinks that are priced at $15.00. Well I was wrong.

During dinner I noticed the clientele on the younger side and since my friend and I were going to hang out to have a drink I thought who cares its one drink and its fun to people watch. Well people watching became dancing to pop music from the 80s up until today (I was proud to know most of the songs because I think if I didn’t know a lot of the newer music I would have felt that much older).

As the night and drinks progressed boys, and I mean boys started coming out of nowhere. I kind of have quit smoking but I hate using quit because let’s be honest if someone offered me a smoke I would be on it like white on rice. Why am I telling you this, well one of the lovely Croatian boys I met (can’t remember the name) asked me if I wanted a smoke and of course I said yes. The smoking led to more dancing and more drinks and then out of nowhere another boy (originally from Jordan) started chatting me up and low and behold he got my number. Ok I admit I gave him my number but boys are savvy, he asked for my number and I said no (because I knew he was only 23 yrs old and just graduated university) but he had his phone out and took my number and then called me so that I had his number. I feel bad to have had to ask him how to save his name and number in my iPhone but I had no choice as my coordination and understanding of using keypads was null and void. In our talks we had made a bet about the final WC match, I picked Spain and he picked the Netherlands, the winner would have to buy the other one dinner.

Well Spain won and that meant I did as well. But really I didn’t think the bet was ‘real’ or that he would actually follow through. Well I was surprised once again because my 23 yr old texted and wanted take me out for dinner. After trying to decline nicely I had to tell him it wouldn’t work, the 14 yr age difference was just too much.

I don’t want to get into the psychological stigma’s etc...involved with older/younger dating. It works for some but for me that big of a difference is for a one night stand and considering the one night had passed it wasn’t going to happen. I have no desire to be Mrs. Robinson, as I told the 23 yr old, it’s sweet that he pursued and I’m flattered that he wants to hang out with me, but in the end I need more than a cute face and great body.

Queen B

World Cup Finals

Ok single ladies it’s time to hit the pubs because if you want men (not necessarily single ones) they will be out, or at least should be, this weekend. Hit a pub with a patio, as the weather is supposed to be nice and put on a cute, yet appropriate outfit to cheer on Spain or the Netherlands.

In the case you don’t know much about football (this is soccer in European talk) here are some basics:
1.Spain and Netherlands are playing in the final.
2.The game starts at 2:30 pm EST so be at pubs by 1 pm EST to ensure a half decent seat.
3.Neither Spain nor Netherlands has won the WC so they are both virgins.
4.Spain is favoured over the Netherlands but this depends on who you’re talking to.
5.FIFA stands for - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (International Federation of Association Football).
6.Side Note: There was an Octopus in Berlin who predicted all the Germany victories and then their defeat to Spain. He’s been 100% right this World Cup, he’s apparently predicted Spain to take it all, so if you’re not sure who to vote for, go with the oracle octopus.

The above basics should give you enough to fake your way into knowing what’s going on and to talk to the single cutie. If you actually like football and want to learn more visit the FIFA website at: www.fifa.com.

Enjoy.

Queen B

BTW - That's a pic of Iker Casillas, he's the Spanish goalie, yummo indeed.