Do you remember your first kiss?

**This was a writing assignment for a course I am taking, the teacher loved it so I thought I'd share**

I was eleven years old when I first kissed a boy. I knew before heading out that night to the community centre pool that I would get my first kiss. On the drive there my stomach was gurgling, one moment my skin was on fire and the next I’d have goose bumps. I wanted to scream “Dad turn around lets go home!’

I enter the centre to the overpowering aroma of chlorine which burned my eyes and hot grease that made me nauseous. Kids were running around splashing and screaming at each other. I see my friends but before I could run out of there the girls were beside me pushing me towards the stairwell, giggling and chanting “Nat’s going to kiss a boy!” 

Winston was a cute brown haired green eyed boy whose voice squeaked when he said Hi.  We stood facing each other not sure what to do next when the girls instruct us to put our faces together and kiss like they do on TV. 

Winston leans in; when his lips first touch mine I get an electric shock and pull back. He hesitates for a moment then leans in again; he presses his lips gently against mine. They are soft and he tasted of Juicy Fruit gum. I can feel the heat rush through my body and I can hear the pounding of my heart. I pull away, say “thank you “and run off. That was the last time I saw Winston. 

 That was my first kiss. Do you remember yours? 

Why do the bad ones always return?

Hey Ladies,

Remember the guy I met at the bar in the summer who text messaged me to say he had a girlfriend but...

Well he has returned 5 months later with the following text message:

Nothing happened between us but a kiss and I would not have kissed him had I known about the girlfriend. I have no idea why he would think any girl would go for this and especially this girl because I have Self Esteem.

I  feel sorry for his girlfriend because she is dating is a loser that looks for booty calls whenever she goes away. I hope she soon sees his real character and finds someone worthy because he certainly is NOT!!

I did not respond to this, there is no need. I just hope he finally gets it and deletes my number because I deleted his after his first text.

Good Luck out there Gals!

Did I just get dumped?

Yesterday I took Daisy out for her puppy play date with a friend that lives in my building complex.  I had met him during the summer while out walking Daisy; he too had just gotten a new puppy. We chatted a few times and one day he asked me out for coffee. I was not interested in him that way but said yes, thinking there really was no valid reason for me to say no. Well he made me pay for my coffee which ended any chance he may have had. We did however become friends; it was clear there was no interest on either part. I am just too much for his very particular ways and for me I was never interested. 

It turns out he has recently met someone and informed me that it may not be a good idea for us to meet for puppy play dates, UH!? So I think I have been dumped, UH! This is what confuses me about the male species.

  

1)      Absolutely nothing happened between us 

2)       It is obvious I am not interested in him because I’ve told him to grow a pair of balls 

3)      The only physical contact we have had was when I punch him in the shoulder and said ‘Dude you need to relax or your dog is going to become a pussy’ 

Clearly I was not trying to impress him at all for normally I am not so crass. Also my filter tends to break down every now and again so what I’m thinking just spills out but if I like you I have a little more control... a little. 

So does he think I like him? Is that why he is concerned about our pups playing together? I’m so confused because to me it is no big deal, and why not bring the girlfriend along? 

This has happened to me before with someone that I went on 4 dates with but we did not even kiss because I apparently made him too nervous. I had not talked or seen him in over a year but ran into at a concert and gave him a hug and asked how’s life. He pulled back and got all freaked out, later I find out he had a girlfriend. I hugged him as a friendly gesture since nothing happened between there were no hard feelings, it wasn’t a sign that I wanted him or did he think it was? A couple of months after that awkward encounter (on his part), he messages me on Facebook to see if I was interested in NSA (no strings attached) sex. So he didn’t have the balls to try and kiss me but now he is in a relationship looking for NSA sex, I told him NO I am more than NSA and that he is out of line and will be deleted.

Lucky for Daisy she has another puppy to play with and this pup’s owner is a foot shorter than myself so CLEARLY he must know that we are just puppy play date friends, right? Or will he dump me as well when he finds a girlfriend?( I assume he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he lives with his mother.)

If anyone can enlighten me as to why these two behaved that way I would be forever grateful. 

Cheers!

How I kept the peace between two countries...

In June I received a text from Queen B... ‘Flights to Hawaii $600.00 are you in?’ my response ‘Hell YES, when?’ So come October 8^th we were hitting the friendly skies with our freshly waxed bits and pieces, painted toes, cellular travel plan, and a big bottle of Advil. 

We spent 9 glorious days traveling the islands of Hawaii. Our vacation started off with a 2 night stay in Honolulu,  4 days on the  Big Island , 2 days in Maui and our last night was back in Honolulu. We sang karaoke, partied with the locals, zipped lined over waterfalls, walked through Volcano’s, drove a kick ass jeep and survived the Hana Hwy. My only disappointment was I didn’t get a Lei, I was seriously hoping that when we landed in Maui that we would be greeted by big buff Hawaiian hotties in their floral wraps ready to place the Lei around our necks.  I have to assume that getting a Lei when you land in Hawaii is just TV show propaganda; because if you want one you have to pay $5 and you can get one out of a vending machine. I don’t know about you but this Gal is not going to pay to get a Lei...Snap!

Before we left Toronto that we had decided that we were going to party it up our last night.  Off to the pub we go, Queen B with the determination of getting us a Lei before we leave and me with the unbeknownst mission of keeping the peace between two countries.

While at the pub Queen B is entertaining the troops with her stolen Lei (yes she got one!); in walks the Australian Outback, Holla! My first thought was ‘How does a Gal get his attention’ and my second thought was ‘why didn’t I workout while on vacation’.  I won’t bore you with details but I got the Hunky Aussie’s attention and somewhere between my professed love of Mad Max and my favourite song being Black by Pearl Jam the Hunky Aussie invited me up to his room. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I so wanted to go with him, but my first impulse was to say no because that stupid little voice was saying excuse me don’t you remember that you’ve been drinking, eating fried food and haven’t worked out in two weeks, what are you thinking? Lucky for me I have mastered the art of silencing that little voice and ran to the bathroom to text my closest gal pals at home that I was invited up to a Hot Aussie’s room. Single Chick was the first to respond ‘Do It!!! Oh and get a picture...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’ 

Needless to say I ended up in the Hunky Aussie room and later he ended up in mine. I didn’t feel self conscious nor did that little voice come back to taunt me. I’m not one for divulging the dirty details but let’s just say the view from the 30^th floor suite of the Hilton is so much better bent over the railing. 

My selfless act of porn star debauchery has now created a bond between two countries. Not only was I able to knock Hawaii of my life list but I also went International. I tackled the Australian Outback and managed only to get a few bruises and a sprained foot. Be warned Gals if you haven’t had any sexcapades in a while your coordination may be off. Thank you Australia for making this Canadian girl feel oh so special and I am going to hold you to your promise of making it up to me for the sprained foot. 

In case you’re wondering what Queen B was up to while I was keeping the peace between nations. Let’s just say she showed up at our room the next morning with her hair all amuck and two coffee’s in her hands. Now you know you have a good friend when she is willing to do that walk of shame through Starbucks and the hotel lobby just to bring you a much needed morning cup of Joe. 

So Gals ask yourself ...What have you done for your country lately?

MA-HOLA!

Text dating...

There is now a website for singles to meet other singles through text messaging call Text Dating.  The thing I hate most in the dating world today is the text message and now you can go online look at pics of singles and text them. Why would any half sane person want to meet someone that way? 

Check out this guy’s profile...

I'm just an intelligent guy with a great sense of humor. I'm someone who you'd be proud to take home to mom (mom will love me more than you do, I bet). I'm just a good person, looking for a good woman. I am someone who cherishes a good warm relationship. A relationship that goes beyond the physical, and looks into the soul. The kind that makes you feel alive, and glad to be part of something so wonderful. Am I right for you? Who knows? Can't be right for everyone, but if you want to feel wanted while giving the same in return, contact me. If you want to smile, to laugh, to just feel good about life itself, talk to me.

This 31 year old single male wants to find a meaningful relationship with someone over text messaging. How does one create a relationship that makes you feel alive and glad to be part of something wonderful by texting?  Dude FYI saying that my mom will love you more that I do is disturbing on so many levels. 

Is this what I am to expect from this site:

 

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the insane person because I refuse to conform to the online world of dating.  Am I the last of a dying breed because I believe people can get to know each other by talking face to face? No this must be the new way of dating for the 20 year olds that don’t know any better, but then I see a pic of some cute old fella that resembles my dad. Dad? Please say it ain’t so? When did you learn to text!?

TTYL

Happy Movember!

This morning I was waiting in line at Tim’s Horton’s for my morning cup of liquid gold when I noticed three different guys sporting  70’s porn star moustaches. 

Then walking to my office I see more moustaches! What’s going on here? Did I miss the memo, are the 70’s coming back? Does this mean I don’t have to get waxed ever again? By the time I get to the office it dawns on me that it’s Movember! These brave men are out there looking like possible pedophiles and 70’s porn stars to help raise awareness for Prostate Cancer, the number one male cancer. 

Ladies if your man is supporting the cause give him lots of love. I think it’s great to see men participating in raising awareness for health or any issues that need to be talked about.  For all you guys willing to look quite ridiculous with your cheesy moustaches KUDOS to you!  Since you look like a 70’s porn star here’s hoping your good efforts get you a little porn star lovin’ from the woman supporting your cause this month.

Happy Movember!