My Gasssy Story

You know when you are in a new relationship and you want the guy to think that you wake up looking decent? And, if he is staying for several days in a row, that you are a sexy gal and as such, you certainly don’t fart (and girls don’t poop either, right?)!

At first I tried leaving a tiny bit of make-up on my eyes when going to bed, however I would wake up in the morning looking slightly raccoon-esque and frankly, looked terrible. So I completely gave up on that aspect and embraced the fact that I am simply someone that is not going to wake up looking pretty. So, let’s focus on the other......

I did not think I was a gassy person, but perhaps I just never noticed while sleeping alone. One evening in the middle of the night, I actually woke myself up with a toot! I immediately became wide awake and with sheer panic, opened my eyes to see if he was awake. Oh please God, be asleep! He was! I listened to his slow, even breathing and deducted that he wasn’t faking on my account. Phew!

On another more recent visit, we were out for a couple of drinks on his last night in town. I tell you this as my stomach never appreciates when I mix beer and wine in one sitting. Low and behold, I wake myself up the next morning with an unhappy belly and the stinkiest fart I have ever, ever had! It smelled so badly that I knew I was going to be caught this time! I opened my eyes slowly to look at him and ohhhhh......his eyes were open!!!! Ugggghhhh!

Internally I was dying (frankly, that’s what it smelled like too!) and he had a bit of a smirk but didn’t say anything. We had to get up super early so I could drive him to the airport so he simply got up and went to shower. What to do, what to do? Do I say anything? Do I make a joke? Do I blame him because no sexy woman would release toxic fumes like that!

In my humiliated state, I said nothing. We are usually kind of quiet when we know the end of our visit together is ending but I did not want THAT to be the last thing he remembered from his trip! Still, I said nothing......

About three days later, I get a text message from him, “hahahaha- omg I am still laughing. You were soooo stinky on Friday morning! And I was so polite I didn’t even make fun of you!” Well, there it was! He was having a good laugh several days later, which of course meant that it really was the last thing he remembered from our visit! Uggghhh! No, no, no!!!!! I wrote back that that wasn’t nice, my belly was upset that morning! I also decided to make light of the situation and have a laugh at myself too. “Hahaha- yes, I did not want your last memory of our visit to be of me being stinky!”

Admittedly, I have become somewhat neurotic about this now. However, girls fart too! If it happens again (please no!), I will handle it differently and not ignore the elephant in the room. I will make light of it, laugh, and/or blame my non-existant dog.

Commando Barbie