What is it about a man in uniform...

Last night I had to call the cops on my neighbour because in the last few months he has taken up sawing in the middle of the night. What he is sawing I cannot tell you but it sounds like metal pipe because when it hits the ground it clinks. I have told my building management and have written a letter as they suggested about this strange activity. I am not normally one to complain but when he is in sawing mode it will start around 11pm and go on until 5am. It is so loud you would think he was doing this in my bedroom and this is very strange to be building something in the middle of the night in an apartment building, is it not? 

Last night he was at it again, so I call the cops he is after all disturbing the peace. An hour after I call the cops show up, but unfortunately my neighbour has stopped his midnight activity. They knock on his door but he does not answer so they come to my place to talk to me.  Ladies I shit you not this is what knocked on my door.. 

Imagine my delight and surprise when I opened my door to find a big masculine blue eyed hottie leaning against my door frame, and standing beside him was his more than sexy Asian counter part. I went a little weak in the knees. Needless to say that was the hottest thing to come knocking on this gals door in a very long time. 

Here I was at one in the morning talking to two very HOT officers of the law in my baggy pajama pants, braless in my smurfette t-shirt, and my face all shiny because of my damn night cream. My only saving grace was I remembered to take out my retainer when I opened the door.  Doesn’t that paint a pretty picture and I seriously wonder why I am single, HA! Why do they have to send HOT cops in the middle of the night, shouldn’t they leave the hotties on day patrol when most of gals are looking our best and can enjoy the men in uniform.

It turns out there is nothing they can do about the situation because my neighbour did not open the door and he had stopped his sawing for the night.  They said the only thing I can do at this point was to call them again if happens because they agreed it was strange behaviour.  It sucks that they cannot find out what my neighbour is up to over there, but it’s not such a bad thing if I have to call them again but next time I must remember to put my bra on!

What is it with men in uniform that gives us gals major lady wood? Is it because they are there to save and protect us? Is it the authority that the uniform represents? Why do you like an man in uniform?

Spring/Summer Fashion Fix

So it’s another change of season (or so they have been telling us) which means that it’s time to revamp your wardrobe. The change of season is the hardest when it comes to picking out the right outfit, mainly because the days are warm but the nights tend to be cooler. As I have mentioned before layer and layer well….I like scarves because they keep you warm and can go with pretty much anything, for spring look for lighter or brighter shades.

Another great item for the season are flats, always fun, comfortable and versatile, you can’t go wrong with a great pair (me, I splurged on Burberry’s, it was my treat to myself, along with the other items I said were a treat, oops!)…To kick it up a notch this season go for wedges as they are back in a big way….if you’re not a stiletto type of girl then the wedge is a great alternative, think sexy with function.

As with this time of year, white is big as are neutrals….for you ladies that love black (me, me, me) try to lighten up a bit, trust me I know it’s hard but in the dead of summer, having a colour that reflects light instead of attracting it is a good thing.

Short shorts are in for summer but keep these out of the workplace and save them for evenings out and weekends, to dress them up a bit wear your new wedges or some cute flats.

Remember to dress for your body type and not necessarily what the styles are….adjust as necessary and have fun with it….

Queen B

How to tell if a guy is flirting with you...

Apparently I am clueless as to it comes to men flirting with me, I cannot tell if it just friendly conversation or flirting. Last week after my drum lesson I was waiting for the elevator when this guy comes up said ‘Hi’, then when he noticed my drum sticks and music book he asked if there are notes in drumming? We chat about music and he said he used to play the trumpet in his high school band but had to stop because his lips were too big. I did not think you could not play an instrument because of big lips. So I tell the girls this and all three of them said in unison “He’s was flirting with you!!” I was shocked; according to them he wanted me to check out his lips (granted I did notice them after his comment).  

This makes me wonder am I missing signals?  If so what signals have I missed? Since it turns out I am clueless to the male flirting ritual I had to Google the matter. Here are the most common signs that a man is flirting with you:

• The cowboy Stance - he'll probably lock his thumbs in his belt or belt loops, point his fingers downwards, spread his legs about shoulder distance apart and tilt his head to one side.  – Note: A male does this to get you to focus on his groin with finger pointed downwards... Okay I am definitely going be on the lookout for this sign.

•  Touches hair or face – This means he is preening for you...awe even the Alpha male will subconsciously try to make himself pretty for you.

•  Sock Adjustment - If a guy pulls up or adjusts his socks in your presence, it's an almost 100 percent sign he's interested and trying to look his best.

•  He teases you – Even though boys grow up they still like to tease the girls they like.

•  He maintains eye contact - This means he is interested in what you have to say and is mesmerized by you.

So next time you talk to a hottie watch to see if he is pointing at his groin, touching himself while keeping eye contact with you..Chances are he likes you and if he takes his hands away from his groin to pull up his socks you’re IN! Feel free to make your move!

Happy flirting ladies and I hope the object of your affection pulls up his socks for you!

Cheers!

Vajazzled...

Having a dry spell? Haven’t had any action in a while? Well maybe you need to be Vajazzeled!! There are many stupid ideas out there and yes I sometimes wish I were the Jackass that created them. This is one of those ideas.  

What is Vajazzle? The web site states that it is the latest beauty trend? Vajazzle^tm.me.uk brings you easy-to-apply Vajazzle designs that you can wear all over your body on all kinds of occasions. But as the name and picture imply these lovely little decals are meant to decorate our Va JJ, Fur Taco, love muffin, the man cave. Whatever, you get the idea.

I think this is totally ridiculous but at the same time I know that there are a million Snooki wannabe’s out there that would think this was FANTASTIC and the Vajazzle Company will make their fortune and call it a day. So ladies if you are so bold to Vazzale yourself let us know if it spices up your life? Or did you end up with sparkly bits stuck in your juicy fruit jungle (my personal favourite)?

Guys do not worry you too can get Pezalled! Just think you can swing your thing all covered in bling!

 Cheers!

8 Year old get’s botox...

What happened to the days of playing Double Dutch and hopscotch (OMG there is a video on how to play hopscotch)? Since there are video’s out there on how to play hopscotch I have to assume that kids do not play that game anymore; but there has to be something out there that 8 year old girls can do that’s better than being entered into beauty pageants and getting BOTOX!!

Why is this woman making her 8 year old daughter stress over wrinkles?! WHAT wrinkles does an 8 year old have?! If she has wrinkles then it is due to the stress of not being able to be a kid. An 8 year old girl should be begging her mother for a puppy not botox. This breaks my heart, I hate to think of the mess she will be in by the time she is 16. This child is headed for lifetime of unhappiness because unless she can love herself as she is no amount of cosmetic surgery will ever make her happy. I wish that these pageants did not exist, and that people would start seeing the inner beauty in others.




 If you have a young girl in your life let her know she is perfect the way she is!

Twat Twoubles..

I decided to write to Single Gals, in hopes of discovering that I am not alone and can quit feeling like a whiny little "pussy."  My Twat ("T") is sad. No, it's not what you think, it's not sad for lack of "action," as I do have a long term boyfriend who constantly tries to molest me... and with the problems I've been dealing with, thank God for that!

 For the last year, I've been dealing with endless amounts of bladder infections which of course always lead to yeast infections (thank you antibiotics) which then get passed on to my boyfriend and then back to me. It's like an ugly game of Tag. I've also had the pleasure of contracting a bowel infection, which like a bladder infection gives you the sensation of constant urination, but SURPRISE!!! lots of urine actually does come out! It also creates a weird tingling feeling that doesn't exactly feel bad, but is questionable.

 I have also discovered that my "T" is quite sensitive in nature. I cannot count the times I have lifted my leg onto the tub and angled that hand mirror between my legs only to discover tiny little cuts around the "T" opening. Where the hell did these come from??? My Doc told me that one of these "cuts" was exactly where you tear when giving birth. So unless an 8lbs baby slipped out of my "T" when I wasn't looking, he has no idea where this came from. Oh wait...not before he told me that it is absolutely impossible for a man's penis to cause this sort of damage, and asked if we'd been shoving any large "items" up there???? Like what?? A small watermelon perhaps? The best part about this is that the bacteria from the yeast infections tend to make themselves at home in these tiny cuts, therefore never giving me relief from that uncomfortable yeast itch. No, I am not joking and yes my hands are constantly down my pants trying to figure out some sort of liveable arrangement between my "T" and my bottom.

Now, you may be thinking, "this girl is really whiny and obviously sensitive", or "her diet is lacking in probiotics," or "she probably sits at a desk all day and suffocates her 'T' with fancy non-cotton underwear." But let me assure you, I consider my diet pretty healthy. I am not a big drinker and I drink tons of water, and I don't have a lot of yeast in my diet and I eat tonnes of proteins and vegetables. Although I wear thongs they are cotton and I sleep sans panties at night to let my poor "T" breath. Yet my vagina continues to be a real twat, even with the use of my organic tampons!  

Anyway, the point of this blog is to spread the true troubles of one's twat and hopefully for me to find out that I am not alone. If anyone out there has any suggestions/ideas please do share!!

Irritably Yours,

Twat Troubles